5. Rocks and Hard Places

Ty stared up at the ceiling of 'his' room. Neither Perry nor Dede had let him return to his house. Once they had seen the extreme change in Ruth's demeanor after spending the day with him, they wouldn't allow a change in current sleeping arrangements. Ty had to admit he wasn't so eager to go home when she was there across the hall. Especially after the day together reading the articles and rough draft of his history project, or just having her sitting quietly in the office watching him do the not-so-glorious aspect of his job: paperwork.

Thankfully, miraculously, there hadn't been a single visitor to the office. Neither had there been one incident that Dan couldn't handle by himself. And after he had left, leaving Ty alone, not one phone call or emergency had threatened the peace. So, Ruth had curled up on the visitor's couch near his desk, which they had drug from the front 'reception area' that was more a large area of space than an actual 'reception' section. She had seemed content enough listening to him talking about the town and its history or about the boring paperwork that he tried not to put off.

Now, at almost one o'clock in the morning, Ruth had suffered only two nightmares, and neither of those had been as traumatic as only the night before.

Ty released a deep breath and covered his eyes with his arm. Thanks for that, God. Thanks a lot. But where did he go from here? And he didn't mean gathering the facts in order to start her new life. He meant... Where do I go from here with... with her? He still loved her as much as he ever had, and each time she flinched away from him was like a dagger and a burning flare of vengeance at the same time. He could see how desperately she wanted to trust him, but... but how do I help her without hurting her?

Ty ran his hands down his face to again stare up at the ceiling– He sat up when he saw Ruth standing uncertain and hesitant beside the bed, green eyes wide and auburn curls tousled. "Are you alright?"

She had cringed slightly away at his sudden motion, but then her form relaxed and she slightly nodded as she worried her lower lip.

"Did you have another dre--"

Ruth climbed up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around him, the action making Ty's chest tighten and his face pale. She released a deep breath, and her entire form seemed to relax against him. Ty swallowed hard. Oh God...

"I keep remembering the other arms," she whispered.

Ty swallowed so hard he nearly choked. He closed his eyes, gripping the sheet on his mattress as he tried to keep his mind and arms under his control.

She sighed again and then yawned while saying, "This is better."

Another swallow had to be choked down before Ty carefully and slowly laid back into the pillows, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head as she snuggled against him. How could he force her away when it meant chasing her back into the nightmares? But how could he allow her to stay... when ...God...help... Ruth yawned again as she adjusted her cheek against Ty's gray t-shirt. Then her breathing slowed and deepened and her hold around him loosened. How many times had they shared this same position while staring up at the stars? Dreaming about their future and talking of the past while making a million and one promises to stay together forever...

Ty breathed in ragged and deep as he looked down into her face. For the first time, he saw peace there. A slight smile, even. There were no twitches and cringes. No looks of pain or terror. No nightmares.

Ruth breathed in deep and whispered "...T.J....", her arms momentarily tightening around him before she again smiled and drifted deeper into sleep.

Ty moved his focus to the ceiling– He closed his eyes tight, immediately feeling a tear drip from the corner. God... Ty covered his eyes with a hand as his arm almost instinctually surrounded her, holding her close. Oh God...

Ruth knelt on the bed as she watched him sleep, wondering why she felt as if she'd seen his face before. Somewhere in a pleasant dream; before the nightmares... But his face looked sad, and his lips drooped downward at each side. Making her feel like crying, but for him and not for her. She didn't remember ever feeling that way before. Have I?

Ruth bit at her lower lip and reached hesitantly out to touch a brown curl from his forehead. He took in a deep breath and murmured a name as she pulled her hand away. He'd said it several times in his sleep, with a type of pain in his voice when he did. Maybe it's his friend. The one that's missing... Something told her he cared deeply for that friend. He seemed to be a good and kind man. A man who had many friends and enjoyed them for themselves. A man who accepted people, no matter who they were. A man who made her feel safe for the first time in her memory. A man who spoke softly. A man who... who didn't hurt her when he touched her.

She lowered her eyes to her hands clasped in her lap and slowly opened them. Scars. She pushed up one of the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Scars and scratches. Rememberings of beatings and pain. Of anger and rage and... she choked a sob and roughly pulled the sleeve down, her second sob making him mumble and then suddenly sit up.

The cringe and flinch away came before she could stop it as he reached out and asked, "Are you alright?"

No one had ever asked that question to her, and never like he did. Like he cared. Like he wanted to try and make it go away. Ruth kept her eyes focused on her hands as she nodded. She wasn't 'alright' but she felt safe, and that was better than what she had felt before.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered gently.

Her throat tightened as she shook her head. No one had ever spoken to her in that voice. Kind. Thoughtful. Tender... and yet it seemed as if there had once been a time when that had been her life. Before the nightmare... Ruth sniffed and brushed at her nose with her sleeve. She gave a flinch when he tossed aside the blankets and slipped out of bed.

"Come on. Let me walk you back to your room. I probably snore."

Ruth watched him wide eyes, cringing back from his hand as she shook her head. "No." The nightmares were in that room; waiting for her like little monsters with red eyes. She shook her head again when he came to sit beside her. "...please."

He offered her a small smile that didn't quite reach his brown eyes. "Alright. You can sleep here and I'll--"

Ruth clutched at his arm. "No! Don't leave me!" The other arms came when she was alone, pulling and twisting and hurting– she choked back a sob.

He covered her hand with his and gave it a gentle pressure before giving a deep breath. "Okay." He stood and eased her back, continuing to hold her hand as he sat on the edge of the bed. He gave her another smile. "Close your eyes and go to sleep."

"Don't go," she whispered.

His expression softened. "I'll stay right here. I promise."

Ruth continued to fearfully watch him for a long moment before allowing herself to close her eyes. But the arms and weight were there, lurking in the darkness for her to sleep and remember a nightmare she didn't want– Ruth gave a choked cry and sat up, throwing herself against him and wrapping him tight. "I don't want to remember those arms," she pleaded, frantic. "Not those, T.J. Not those. Please not those."

His warmth and strength surrounded her as he softly soothed, "Shhhhh. It's okay. It's okay now."

And she believed him. Even though she had heard those words before, after pain and misery, she believed him. How long had it been since she was able to believe something like that from someone? From anyone?

"It's alright, Ruth," he whispered. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you anymore. Okay?"

She nodded against him, unable to pull back for fear the other arms would be waiting.

"Okay." His hands gently enfolded her upper arms and gave a very slight push. "Ruth... Come on. It's alright. Let go." He gave another very slight push, and she loosened her hold and allowed the distance, blinking up at him with a different kind of fear than what she had ever felt before.

He smiled. "There ya go. Now, lay back and let me wrap you in a blanket. Good girl. There. Now I'm gonna lay down here beside– No, face outward, Ruth. There ya go."

And then his arms surrounded her and she clutched them with her hands, giving a choked sob of relief when she closed her eyes and the others weren't waiting.

"Now go to sleep," he whispered in her ear. "I'll be right here if you have another dream. Alright? I'm not going to leave you alone."

Ruth slightly nodded, releasing a deep exhalation of breath as comfort enveloped her for only the third time in her memory...

...Her breathing deepened, her hands loosening their clutch on his arms as the tension in her body relaxed and faded. Ty stared across the room and out the window, wondering what to do next. Wondering what he could do that wouldn't hurt her. Wondering how he could keep from loving her so that he could protect her from that bit of a bad memory. Wondering... He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, swallowing back the name he wanted to whisper. Confessing the identity that shouldn't have been twisted the way it was.

This should never have happened to her... to anyone. And rage and vengeance fought for the upper hand, mercilessly beating back Ty's desperate attempt to leave it in the past. To let God deal with it. To let God repay the agony and misery and loss and pain... He released a heavy sigh and opened his eyes, again staring out the window. A whisper told him he needed to talk to someone who could help. To finally open up about the past, so that he could face it and move on. So that he could be better prepared to help Ruth do the same.

Up to this point, no one had really broached the subject of that day fifteen years ago. Too certain that it would revive the guilt he'd shouldered for all of that time. They had been right. Instead, God had done His best to ease it little by little, guiding Ty's memory of things a fraction at a time. To mourn and grieve and release the pain and the anger and the guilt... So that one day Ty would be ready for this day.

When... when she came back.

Now they bombarded him again, but only because he could now see what hell she'd lived. What pain she'd suffered. What agony she'd withstood at the hands of a man more interested in the gratifying of his own selfish desires than the protecting of a sensitive spirit. Instead, he'd mutilated it beyond recognition. Almost beyond hope of saving...

Ruth shuddered and whimpered, her body beginning to tremble against him. Ty drew her a little closer as he whispered, "Ruth... Ruth, it's alright."

Her body trembled a few more times as the shuddering lessened and faded. Then she released a deep and soft breath and briefly tightened her hand on his arm.

'It's alright.' But was it? Yes, she was safe now from a monster, but only in the physical sense. It seemed as if each evening and touch and slightly harsh word ushered her back to the moment when she had feared for her very life. How can it be 'alright' when I...

Ty sighed. Lord, I can't protect her from those bad memories, and that makes me feel helpless. But I can pray for her. And that's what I'm doing. I'm lifting her up to you, Lord. I'm lifting up who she was; who she is; who she wants to be; who You want her to be... I'm lifting all those up to You and asking that You fix it. If You want me to help, show me how. Give me the words to say or the action to do or the person to go see... He lightly pressed his cheek against her temple, sighing again. Anything. Just help me help her.

God had already led him each step of the way to that point, so there was no way he would believe they'd been left to battle this out on their own.

Ruth sighed, making a soft sound almost like a content 'coo'. That shuddered Ty's insides with memories of Becky and how she would give happy sighs with a melody of sound... Oh God... He swallowed hard and lifted his cheek from her temple, freeing also his arms from around her, and moved to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling, his vocalized promise to stay the only thing keeping him from escaping.

Because how did a person begin a relationship at friendship when it was the engagement most vividly remembered?

Ty covered his face with his hands a moment before turning onto his right side and staring at the far wall, arms crossed and hands tightly gripping his sides. When he heard a shuffle and rustle behind him, his insides shuddered again. And when she placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a little shake...? Ty swallowed the fight and the desire and forced a small smile as he turned his head to meet her green eyes dark with uncertainty as she bit her lower lip.

"You alright?" he asked softly.

She shook her head, and a tear dripped down her cheek.

Ty released his panicked grip on his sides and carefully sat up to sit cross-legged on the bed. She didn't flinch. She only continued to watch him with wide eyes as she continued to kneel beside him.

"What's the matter?" he urged gently.

Ruth shook her head again.

"You don't want to tell me?"

She wiped another tear from her cheek and shook her head a third time.

"You... You don't know?"

Ruth nodded. Then she adjusted her position and shuffled off the bed, taking up his hand and pulling him along after her. Ty gave a blink of surprise but followed without comment. Down the stairs to the first story and then out the front door to the porch steps– She stopped there and sat on the top-most one, pulling him down to sit beside her and then turning toward him to wrap her arms around his middle and press her cheek against him.

Ty breathed deep and slow before enfolding her in his arms, closing his eyes at the memory of late-night/early-morning moments just like this. When she had been bothered by something. When he had been bothered by something. When they had been happy or sad or just wanting to share a night looking up at the stars and wondering what would come the next day... Becky would call him, or he would call her, and they would meet on the porch of one of their parents' homes to talk or listen or just be there. They had been friends their entire life, 'boyfriend/girlfriend' for as long as it had been allowed, and only one week engaged before she'd–

His arms tightened briefly as he closed his eyes tight and sucked in a breath.

"You loved her a lot, didn't you?" came a whispered and choked voice.

And his soul hadn't been ready for that question. He flinched and lowered his arms to his sides.

Ruth sat up, pulling back to reveal eyes glimmering in the moonlight with the tears that dripped from her jaw. "I'm sorry she's gone," she whispered, still in that tear-filled voice of tears and grief.

Ty balled his fists to keep from standing and moving away. "So am I," he said in a low voice, gruff with misery and the knowledge that she was there... and yet gone... and yet...

Ruth lowered her gaze to the ring on her finger and absently removed it, the slow action drawing Ty's gaze. "I wonder if he loved me like that?" She sighed. "I wish I could remember him, but..."

Ty watched her face. "...but?"

"But I ran away from that. And he's back there. I don't want to go back. Not back there. That was 'her', and she's gone now." Ruth lifted her eyes to meet his. "She's gone," she whispered, voice barely discernable from the crickets and the breeze.

Let her go, Ty. You've got to. Ty released a deep breath and looked to his right, taking up the flower pot with the collection of different perennials that bloomed and beckoned happier memories. Then he faced her again, extending a hand for the ring. She gently and tenderly placed the ring into his palm. Ty adjusted the ring to his fingers and submerged it into the soil with a whispered "Rest in peace," as she whispered "Good bye."

He set the pot back to its position, staring at it for a long moment as he felt a large and crushing weight lift from his shoulders. There was no expectation other than this moment. There was nothing more than his cultivation of a friendship with a timid young woman who had yet to find who she was.

Ruth released a deep and cleansing breath, drawing his focus as she leaned forward and rested her forearms on her legs. She stared down the gravel and grass of Perry's driveway. "I like it here," she said softly. "I feel safe here. I don't remember ever feeling safe. And what I do remember feels like a dream. A nice dream."

Ty's expression softened as he watched her. The moonlight on her face and in her hair. The teasing breeze through her curls... He sighed and looked away, leaning back on his hands as he followed her gaze. He could start over, the same as she, healing in the process. Ushering aside the rocks that had pounded his soul to dust, so that he could get to the blessings of the hard places beyond.

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