4. Coloring the White Lie

"Will there be anyone there?"

Ty sent... Ruth a reassuring smile as they made their way to the small DMV station on Main Street. "A few people." When he noticed her pallor and the way she worried her lower lip, he suggested, "Did you want me to see about getting us in the back door?"

"I..." She tapped her fingers nervously on her knee as she continued to worry her lip and stare out at the passing scenery of the quiet town streets. "I don't know," she whispered.

"It's no problem if you do," he assured. Ty smirked. "They're used to me barging in the back. I am Sheriff, after all."

Ruth sent him a timid glance and a very slight smile before hugging her arms to her chest and ducking her head to softly say, "No. That's okay." Then she looked over at him with wide eyes. "You'll come in with me, right?"

"Of course, Ruth. I'm responsible for you." Besides, I need to make sure no one there has a fit and scares you all over again.

There was the return of her small and cautious smile as she again focused outside, and it seemed as if she didn't huddle in the corner of the car as she used to. Ty released a long and deep breath with a silent Thank You, Lord, before focusing ahead. The messy fun of the fingerprinting had lessened the tension even more than the finding of a name had. But he was still bothered by the sudden and complete change of persona when she had tried to persuade him to allow her to stay with him. But he did his best to keep the reasons why to the strict outside of his thoughts. Giving them, instead, to the Lord and His keeping. It's good to know I need to keep an even tighter reign on my feelings for her, though. Thanks for the poignant reminder and example.

Then he felt a sidelong glance from her. While the temptation to prompt her was great, he had a greater instinct to let her do the asking. To make her move past the fear and step closer in trusting him. So, he adjusted his hold on the steering wheel and lightly tapped his thumbs on it, doing his best to keep from looking at her or voicing the gentle 'What?' that he so wanted to offer. Continuing to coax would make her too dependent. He'd seen it before–-

"T.J.?"

Relief and... welcome at the sound of her voice saying his name caused a smile as he looked her direction. "Hm?"

Ruth blinked, flushed, and then lowered her gaze with a mumbled, "Nothing."

Ty's smile vanished. "What's the matter?" and the question was out before he could stop it.

But she only shook her head and looked back outside, again worrying her lower lip as the fingers of her right hand fiddled with the ring on her left. Ty was at a loss, and while he had a million and one questions ready to ask, he knew she wasn't ready for him to press. On anything. Lord, You've got to help me with this. I hate seeing her like this, and I want to help, but I know if I help... Ty forced out a silent breath and refocused on his driving in time to miss a prime parking spot in front.

Ty chuckled, which drew Ruth's gaze. "Figures there'd be a spot when I'm not paying attention." There was another space two spots down, so Ty parked the Cherokee and then exited the vehicle, coming around to her side just as she hesitantly opened the door and climbed down. She still didn't look at him. Ty's smile faded yet again. Oh God. What did I do?

Ruth bit her lip as she closed the door to the Cherokee. She sent him a cautious glance. "...can I..."

Ty offered a slight smile. "Did you change your mind about going in the front?" She wordlessly nodded. He gestured to a small alley to the right of the small brick building that looked more like an old bank than a DMV. "That's alright, Ruth. It is kind of busy today. It's right over here."

Ruth didn't move. She only stared down the alley–- she took a step back, twitching when she came in contact with the Cherokee. Ty lowered his arm, looked down the alley to see the shadows and darkness, and released a quiet breath.

He focused again on Ruth. "You want to do this later?" he asked quietly.

Her frightened green eyes focused on him as she gave a nearly frantic nod of her head.

Ty offered yet another smile that seemed more fake and forced than any of the others. He hated seeing her so terrified. "Okay," he said softly. When he moved to open the door, she cringed and ducked her head, covering her face with her arms with a vocal whimper. The instinctual reaction of self-preservation was like a kick in the gut, and he didn't think he would ever be ready for it.

He lowered his arm to his side. "Ruth?" he prompted in a soft tone, "I'm not going to hurt you. I only wanted to open the door for you."

"I know," she whispered in a choked voice, "I only... I can't help it. I see... I see..."

Ty nodded, releasing another breath as he prayed, Oh God, please help... before saying, "You see the man who hurt you?"

She nodded, still not lowering her arms. Still not meeting his gaze. Still not softening the ready-to-fly rigidity of her body.

"Can you tell me what he looks like?" Ty asked cautiously.

Ruth lowered her arms at that, pressing herself back against the Cherokee. "Please don't make me remember!" she pleaded, shaking her head. "Please! I don't want to remember that. I just want to be Ruth. I don't want to be her! Please don't make me be her... Please don't make me..." and her voice drifted into choked sobs as she collapsed.

Ty caught her into his arms and held her close, kneeling on the ground along with her. "Sh-sh-sh. It's alright, Ruth. It's alright."

Ruth clutched tightly at his uniform shirt as she sobbed, her entire body trembling against him as some part of her must have violently fought back the memories that terrified her so deeply. Ty could only hold her, doing his best to protect her from a mystery he couldn't solve. Because the solving of it would have caused her more pain. Oh God, how can I protect her if I can't ask! It made him feel helpless.

Ty noticed the gathering of a few people and sent them a practiced smile, encouraging them to move along without saying a word. They did so, but he could hear their hushed conversations about the "distraught woman" and "what could possibly have gone wrong?" while trying to reason if he had "gone and gotten himself a wife?" Ty's insides cringed at that, knowing how Ruth would flinch and shudder away from any intimate touch now because of her past. Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick...

"...I'm sorry," she cried. "I want to help, but I'm scared. I don't want to remember. I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

"Shhh. Shhh." He gently rested his hand on her head, tenderly stroking her auburn curls with his thumb as he remembered so many other scenes when he had comforted... her. Or when they had simply held each other close, enjoying the presence of the other and the feelings of being in love and feeling safe... Ty swallowed hard and fought the feelings back. She's gone, Ty. You've got to let her go! Ruth couldn't survive under that expectation of affection and tenderness. She would go mad with fear, and he wouldn't do that to her.

Ty clenched his jaw until it ached, forcing himself to lower his hand from her head of curls and momentarily fist it before gently gripping her arm. "I know you're scared, Ruth," he said softly. "I'm sorry for asking. It's my job, and some times it's hard."

Ruth very slowly released her stranglehold on his shirt as she nodded and hiccuped on her tears, wiping them from her cheeks. She didn't pull away, and she didn't meet his gaze either.

"I hope you're not mad at me for asking these hard questions."

Again, as before, that grabbed her attention and made her wide green eyes focus on his face. "Why do you always think I'll be mad at you?" she finally asked, confusion and... curiosity mingled in her hushed tone. "You only want to help."

"I know," and he fought back the nearly overwhelming urge to wipe the dampness from her cheeks, "but sometimes helping makes a person angry. Because they're afraid. Or because they don't want to be helped. Or because they're embarrassed that they need help..." He'd seen all of them in his line of work, even experienced them himself when his dad had tried to help him after Becca had disappeared.

Ruth lowered her gaze, her eyes focusing his shirt. She paled and leaned back from his grip, turning slightly away as her terrified eyes met his calm ones.

He looked down to the wrinkles and dampness on the front of his uniform and smirked. "Well. It looks like this shirt has had it's share of adventure and attention today. I'll have to get my spare from the office. Wouldn't want everyone thinking I'm a slack-off." Ty focused on Ruth again, noticing she still had an expression of fear as she continued to frightfully watch his every move. "You should see my other uniform shirts. Holes here. Stains there. Missing buttons... I'm horrible at uniform upkeep. Simone's always after me." Her form relaxed a bit just as he lowered his attention to one of his front buttons. "See this one? Stitched it on myself. Took me an hour, and I think I poked myself in the finger about eight times."

Ty could have sworn he heard a slight giggle.

Then he pointed to a barely noticeable stain on his right breast pocket. "I spilled coffee on myself here... or was it a jelly donut drip? Hm. Now I can't remember. Oh. Wait. Maybe my pen leaked."

Ruth sounded a more recognizable giggle, and he met her gaze with a smile, noticing how she had covered her mouth and watched him with wide eyes. Ty fought back a frown. Didn't the ass even let her laugh out loud?!

"I don't think I've ever had a shirt rumpled by a damsel in distress," he continued in a forced tone of laughter.

Ruth blinked and flushed, lowering her gaze and her hands.

Ty almost audibly sighed at the look on her face. Fear. Uncertainty. Confusion. Loss... Just keep at it, Ty. Just keep at it. "You ready to go back to the office? I'll change my shirt and then we can drive around some. I'll show you Brazon Creek."

She hesitantly looked up. "B-Brazon Creek?"

"Yep. That's home here. Brazon Creek, Oregon. An old gold-mining town. Packed full of history and ghost stories."

"Is... Is that why you're writing the history?"

He smiled. "Mostly." Then he slowly stood and bent to offer her a cautious hand. "It's fun."

Ruth bit her lip as she looked at his offered hand. After another heavy silence of fear and hesitation, she placed her hand cautiously in his and accepted his help to stand. When he released her hand, she took his back again and focused on him with emerald eyes that were so wide... "Thank you for being... for being..." Her eyes glimmered and then she looked down to her hand in his to give a very tight squeeze. "Thank you," she choked out.

Ty breathed deep before softly saying, "You're welcome, Ruth."

When Ty and Ruth arrived back at the office, Si had gone home and Dan was holding down the fort. While not as paralyzed with fear as before, Ruth still wouldn't separate herself from him when he gathered his spare shirt from a stand-alone closet in a remote corner of the office and told her he needed to go change. She only fearfully clutched at his hand and gave a wordless shake of her head when it looked as if he'd leave her.

So what do I do? Force a separation? So that she can see Dan is as good a guy as me? Or can I keep on as before... Ty nearly gave an audible groan as he offered her a supportive smile and then acquiesced to her unspoken request to not leave her.

Instead, he offered her his desk chair and then spoke to her about the different places in Brazon Creek as he undid his shirt buttons, shrugged out of it to his undershirt, and then slipped into his fresh uniform. Ruth never looked up from her hands clasped in her lap, and Dan didn't say a word. He only continued typing up the report on the incident at cabin four, Ruth, and everything related therein.

Ty tucked his shirt into his slacks, refastened the belt, and then softly prompted, "You ready?" before very slowly offering her his hand.

Ruth stared at it again, but the expression was different. There wasn't fear, there was... reluctance. And then she shook her head.

Ty raised an eyebrow. Then he carefully crouched and looked up into her face. She didn't meet his gaze. She only continued to stare at her hands. "You alright?"

Like before, she gave a confused nod/shake as her face twisted with a horrible cacophony of shame, pain, and... disgust. When a single tear trickled down the corner of her eye, tracing along her pale cheek to drip off her jaw before it was immediately followed by another, a part of Ty had a very bad feeling that a few of the memories were becoming too vivid.

She gave another shake/nod of her head, lowering her head to hide her face in her hands.

Ty's insides felt as if someone had made him swallow a dagger. When he would have reached out to gently grip her arm, something within pulled him firmly back. Then what do You want me to do? How can I help her? And he gripped the arms of the chair to keep from drawing her close.

"What can I do to help?" he asked in a low voice.

"...make them go away," she choked out.

Ty swallowed hard, desperation and a panicked desire to give her peace colliding together and making it very hard not to embrace her. What do I do, God? Please tell me what to do! But the only word that kept pressing in on him was 'pray'. Pray. Pray. Ty took in a calming breath, carefully controlling his tone of voice as he cautiously asked, "Can I pray for you?"

Ruth slightly inclined her head, but she didn't lower her hands from her face. She only continued to softly sob, hiding behind them as her shoulders shook and her body trembled.

A choke and press of tears had Ty swallowing hard and blinking, trying to fight back so many things... Oh God... He released a deep breath and lowered his head, closing his eyes as he agonized through all his years of suffering and waiting and searching for something that would give her as much peace and comfort as God had given him. What could he say to give her that? Words didn't mean much if the person hearing them didn't believe them. Or couldn't believe them. Ty ran a hand through his hair, letting out another deep breath as he whispered, "God, help," just as Ruth choked out a sob that made him cringe.

"...make them stop..." she whispered again.

Oh God... Ty followed a leading he hoped was from above and tenderly placed his hands on each side of her head. He felt her cringe and tense, but he only continued with a gentle motion of his thumbs against the softness of her hair. "...help," he prayed again. What else could he say? She wanted help. She wanted peace. She wanted 'them' to "...stop," he said softly, cautiously continuing to stroke her hair. No more, God. Not until she's ready. Don't let them come until she's ready. Please. Make them "stop..." Please.

The tension in her body drifted, deepening the sobs muffled by the covering of her hands. Then Ruth tumbled from the chair and into his arms, sobbing and shaking harder than he had ever thought possible. Those sobs tore at Ty harsher than anything else. Sobs of... agony. Of... total and complete... loss of hope.

Ty sat back and pressed his lips against her hair as he held her tight against him. Still praying for all the things he didn't think he had enough to help her: wisdom, patience, tenderness, understanding... He just wanted to help her sleep without the screams. He wanted to give her a better truth than what she had. He hadn't been able to do the same for Becky.

A hand gripped his shoulder, and he looked up and to his right to see Dan's concerned and yet encouraging expression of serious calm. Ty smiled his thanks and then nodded when Dan showed the reports and then jerked a thumb toward the fax machine to the left of the office. Dan gave Ty's shoulder another grip, offered a smile this time, and then stepped past.

Ty lowered his focus to the weeping woman in his arms. How long has it been since she felt safe enough to do this, Lord? Six years? Eight? Ty closed his eyes. Fifteen–- The main phone on Ty's desk rang, causing a cringe and a quick return of the tension in Ruth's body as she clutched her arms around him. A second ring was interrupted as Ty heard Dan's greeting come from the 'techno-corner' where the fax, the spare phone, and the copier were located.

Ty released a soft sigh and adjusted his arms around Ruth. When he noticed her weeping had begun to ebb, Ty lowered his focus again to the crown of Ruth's curls. She occasionally sniffed and 'hiccuped', now and again wiping tears from her face or a bit of wetness from under her nose. Ty smirked. I'll have to change my shirt again. But he didn't mind all that much. It was more than he had ever dreamt he would have from her.

"I messed up your shirt again," she confessed in a soft voice. And he felt her wiping at the wetness and the wrinkles.

Ty chuckled. "It's okay. Like I said, I'm horrible with up-keep."

When Ruth didn't make a move to back away, Ty didn't push. He only kept his arms gently around her, hoping against hope that it was okay for him to do so. It felt good to hold her again. To know he was keeping her safe; at least from life on the outside.

Ruth sighed deep, and then again, and tightened her arms around him. "I like how you make me feel," she whispered.

Ty swallowed hard and closed his eyes. It's because I love you, girl. No matter what your name is, your heart's the same. "That's good," he softly said aloud. "I'm trying not to scare you." It's hard, but I'll do it. You deserve it. You've hurt long enough.

"No one's ever done that before," she admitted, voice hushed.

Ty opened his eyes in time to catch Dan's stricken expression as he left the 'techno-corner'. Dread settled somewhere at the base of Ty's throat, tasting very much like bile. "I'm sorry for that," he said in a low voice, and he directed Dan to return and wait.

Dan absently nodded and turned, stepping away as Ty lowered his focus to Ruth. Her green eyes were looking up at him with an expression he couldn't read. He offered her a somewhat weak smile, which she returned with a flush of her cheeks, and then gently helped her sit back on her heels.

"I need to go talk to Dan, so I'll be right over there," he informed, directing her gaze to where Dan stood by a table on the far left of the small office. Then he again met her eyes. "You can stay right here at my desk and read through as many folders as you want. Okay?"

She nodded, eyes slightly wide as she reminded, "Except the one with the bad memory."

Ty's expression softened into a smile. "Except that one."

Her lips trembled upward, and then she watched as he stood and offered a hand. She accepted it without hesitation this time.

Ty gave her hand a momentary squeeze before releasing it. "So I'll be right over there. Alright?"

She nodded again as she sat, intercepting his secondary reassuring smile with a smile of her own before turning the chair to face his desk. Ty released a breath, the smile vanishing as he faced left and moved toward the 'techno-corner', scrubbing a hand through his hair. When he got to Dan, he dreaded the question he knew he had to ask.

"Was that Perry?"

Dan nodded, lowering his hands from where they'd covered his face. "Yeah."

"Results back from Baker City General?"

Dan nodded again and focused his pale face on Ty. "She's had so many abortions that she'll never have kids again."

Ty leaned forward heavily against the table that held the copier and fax machine, closing his eyes tight and clenching his jaw to contain the nausea. "Oh God, no..." And again he had to fight back the rising burning for revenge, and he nearly choked on the rage toward the man/monster that had tortured his fiancée for nearly half her life.

"They're sending DNA samples to the FBI office in Portland, and I've just faxed our reports as well as the partial prints we got from the cabin," Dan was saying. "I guess it's up to them now."

Ty absently nodded, balling his hands into fists to keep from doing something - anything - that would help him control the over-whelming need to hurt someone. Ty swallowed hard and lightly pounded a fist on the table. "It's not fair, Dan," he hissed. He shook his head. "It's not fair."

Dan gripped Ty's arm. "I know, Ty, but I keep telling myself 'at least she's alive'. 'At least she's here, safe'. And we can keep her from ever being hurt by that son of a bitch again. Maybe even make it possible to put him in prison, so he can get a shank in his gut."

Ty straightened, scrubbing at his scalp with one hand as the other remained fisted at his side.

"Just keep telling yourself you've got her back. Just focus on that, Ty. Okay?"

Ty brusquely nodded, looking over his left shoulder toward his desk where Ruth bent intensely over an article. I've got her back... I've got her back... And now was his chance to give her that better truth to erase what should have been a horrible lie.

‹‹ back -=- next ››

‹‹ chapter index